How to Make Conversation: Socialising for Dummies(a work in progress)
You're with a bunch of new people.
You're tongue-tied.
You want to sound intelligent, witty, be the life of the party but can't go beyond "Hi! I'm Parthib." You want to go from social zero to social hero… It isn't as difficult as you think it is. Trust me!
I'm full of random information, useless information as it were. Most of which, I confess, I make up. The gift of the gab isn't difficult to acquire. Simply follow these rules:
Drink liquorSuppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Monrovia, a subject you know nothing about.
If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like orange juice – all pulp, no sugar, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date.
But if you drink several large vodkas or beer by the barrel, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Monrovian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
Make up confidentlySuppose, in the Monrovian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Monrovians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch of Monrovians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Monroviavians are underpaid." Say instead: "The average Monrovian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1, 452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
[NOTE: Always make up exact figures.]
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.", and "i.e ." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, "Monrovians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Monrovians qua Monrovians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.You say: You're being defensive.
Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
